Why is narcissism such a omnipresent element in racists? You didn't beat the indoctrination, you just jumped to a parallel form of the same old self-pitying bullshit. Do you really think that being a racist makes you an eccentric, a renegade or even special in any way? How can you not see that what you subscribe to is just as narrow-minded, empty with buzzwords and pseudoscientific as the "NPCs" you claim superiority over?
You made a decision at some point to mitigate your disappointment in the failure of your career and your romantic prospects by pivoting to racism. It's a convenient and effective method; you've got a plethora of people to blame for your existential shortcomings and a built-in audience of apes in the echo chamber ready to applaud any naughty words you might use to explain away the despair of modern life.
It bleeds through every one of your posts, especially as you get hot under the collar. And we see the latent murmurings of it as your drunk, bloated ass aggressively hits on and gets rejected by a Jewish woman in a position of power:
In the end, the reason why you would rather 'pull the trigger' than denounce white nationalism is because it's a death cult to begin with. At your core, you know that there is no hope for what you believe in. You may see a superficial victory here and there, you may suspect that the volume of your voices is getting louder, but deep down you know that the world is never going to be what you want it to be and will never be home for people like you. The perverse thing is that you like it this way. There is a deep self-pity inherent to every keyboard warrior racist. You're natural born subs, "beta cucks" in your charming vernacular. Pulling the trigger would simply be on-brand.