I love the idea that men and women can be friends but I'm not sure it's possible. Well, it's possible but not likely in my opinion. Depends on how you meet. If you're forced together- like cube mates at work or neighbors in an apartment complex then yes it's possible because you were thrown together by chance/circumstance. If one of you made any effort whatsoever to meet the other than no because there was some initial attraction there to begin with on at least one side of the equation. I mean there are exceptions of course but I don't think it's possible 98% of the time. In the grand scheme of things a 2% success rate means there are lots of male/female friendships out there just because of the sheer volume of people on this planet. Pragmatically, would you undertake anything that had a 98% failure rate? Probably not in business but in this case, yes, because humans hunger for meaningful connections. That's why this question is still even debated. In the brain/heart battle the brain (the pragmatic voice) beats itself by tipping the balance in favor of trying. BRAIN: "This is a bad idea- stop now. You know how this is going to go" SCORE-Brain 1/Heart 0. Heart: "But she's really cool and cute and funny! We can be friends- I'll just keep it in my pants. I trust you to keep me in check brain." SCORE- Brain1/Heart 1. Brain: "That's true. I'm rational and I have willpower. Plus, it's just stupid to eliminate 50% of the population from the pool of potential meaningful friendships. I mean, that's not rational, right?" SCORE- Brain 1/Heart 2. Game, set, match. The heart is a slippery one and tricks the brain every single time.
This is interesting. So if a pursuit takes place without a payoff, the target will never be able to be a friend? Think it works both ways? Think a woman who came on to you, for which you declined, could be considered a friend after that? Could you be friends with her? Could she just see you as a friend, or would that always be a barrier for her? I mean, is it the same for men and women?
Your insight sheds light on my predicament. After the friend makes the initiative into
more than that territory, it seems the friendship dissolves. They state (almost in the same exact words, actually) it is too painful to be around me. So they end it. And I end up devastated. OK that is an exaggeration. Not devastated. But quite ruffled and jaded and less optimistic about humanity and love and friendship in general. I want friends. Male friends. Not just lovers. I also have had this experience quite recently... a few times actually... where the man pursues me. I tell him that he is great. But I just want to be friends. I am not interested in having a lover/boyfriend. They respond with this, I already have lots of friends, I don't need friends. I cry inside, thinking,
but I don't. And
I DO need friends
I want friends. Male friends. Not just lovers. Anyone? Anyone? I've moved too many times. That has been my biggest barrier to having long-lasting real life, in person friendships.
On the flip side, can I be friends with a man I am attracted to? Will my desire for him get in the way of the friendship? Yes, it seems so. But I think it has more to do with, that I think he'd make a great lover but not so great of a friend. Maybe the attraction is there... for some reason... but we really don't have enough in common to sustain a long lasting friendship?
As far as women go, I love women. But they are much harder to befriend. I feel I have a lot in common with some women, but not so much with the general population. I never enjoyed the let's do lunch and talk about our husbands and kids thing. I need intellectual stimulation. I'd rather be alone, if I cannot get it in the company of others.