The Drivel Thread

[Light Housework]

Just saying hello to my readers, during a break from writing morning pages to take a sip or two of black coffee.

 

[Ashley_TakeABow]

Just saying hello to my readers, during a break from writing morning pages to take a sip or two of black coffee.
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Good morning!!!

 

[Light Housework]

Good morning!!!

Hey Ash.

 

[Light Housework]

I just posted this video to my favourite actress Nyiri Karakas.

I messaged this to her.
“Hi Nyiri. I saw Medicine three times and am very impressed by your passion, your compassion and revulsion and joi de vivre. I spoke on the panel. My name is Sharon Smith. I gave you a tiny sticky note last Sunday, with Morrissey written on it, because I am sure you will like his voice, words, and physical moves. He turned 65 on May 22nd, but is going strong. Check out his performance of his song I’m Not A Man please. I love you. I won’t forget you thoroughly blushing as you said with persistent conviction “I want to be in love!”. Maybe you’ll find yourself in love with Morrissey, as I am. Here is a video clip of him singing his very rebellious song I’m Not A Man."

 

[Light Housework]

Now back to listening to the concert audio Ashley posted this morning...

 

[Light Housework]

Just sipping hot peppermint tea in silence, at my leisure. I've been experiencing quite a bit of lung pain, but it's just slight discomfort right now. I go on seeking pleasure, despite any pain. I hope I will get around to painting this morning.

 

[Light Housework]

I'm going to give this print to my psychiatric nurse tomorrow when we have our appointment.

 

[Light Housework]

I think I can be pretty good looking at times. Especially for my age of 60 years. Even after radiation torture back in late 2011 and early 2012, with Russell Brand being my prime suspect of who orchestrated that.

And even after the harsh 'antipsychotics' forced on me, and all the times I was raped, and all the time spent used and abused. Kind people have salvaged what they could of me, and try to support and protect me from further unnecessary damage. They did their best to shelter me and give me refuge from abuse, but it was quite impossible for most of my life to succeed at that endeavour, because to cope with severe abuse from a very young age, I had to become addicted to dissociating from reality, which rendered me prone to attracting further abuse because my awareness of danger was out of order on one hand, while on the other, I couldn't focus and pay attention to the cues of kind people.

That's changed since about a month ago, since my counselor said that she doesn't think I'm schizophrenic, and that I only went psychotic because I was dissociating from an early traumatic environment. So I'm doing the opposite now; tuning into reality. My reality at least, which is a start. I'm glad to be alive and conscious, and present finally.

 

[Light Housework]

I wait for you Morrissey, hoping you will come to me and spend some quality time with me soon.

 

[Light Housework]

I’m pretty certain this song is to Russell Brand, before he took his mask off to Katy Perry and divorced her via text on New Year’s Eve 2011.

 

[Light Housework]

Thinking of going to a walk in clinic because of the way my chest feels. I feel the fungal infection in my right lung has spread. I'm going to see how I feel over the next hour. I'm wondering if the infection is advanced enough that it would show up on an x-ray, and expedite the process of getting the oral antifungals I need. I want to get around to painting but I might go to a clinic first, or after painting.

 

[Light Housework]

The pain in my chest feels too punishing to want to paint right now. I'm going to the clinic in the afternoon. Maybe I'll get some painting done this evening or night. It feels bad man.

 

[Light Housework]

Passing the time before it’s time to leave home for the clinic
What will my last words be
If this is the end closing in for my life
The appointment for the CT scan hasn’t been made yet
I’ve been waiting too long
My lungs are being eaten alive it feels
Maybe I will be giving my best artwork away soon
In preparation for what’s coming
Instead of waiting until the curtain suddenly comes down
Creating a mad scramble
Guilty feelings in those that are left
To clear out what was once my apartment

 

[Light Housework]

me reciting Passing The Time

 

[Light Housework]

I feel too physically ill
To write Morrissey sticky notes
To take to the streets
On my trip to the clinic
And then maybe to the x-ray clinic too
I don’t know if I will try to walk this evening either
With my chest feeling attacked from within
I’ll bring a pen and a block of sticky notes
In case someone inspires me to write ‘Morrissey'
Despite this sensation in my chest
I think I’m stoned on endorphins
Flooding my bloodstream for the pain
I’m relaxed and seeking to enjoy life
Though it feels like I may not have much left to live
I seek pleasure at any rate


I’m posting this song to listen to, not to look at, because I don’t feel like watching video of you Morrissey. You in the flesh would be agreeable, but not video, at this stage.

 

[Light Housework]

Time to get ready to go to the stupid clinic. Even if I do get more x-rays, the fungal infection of at least my right lung will probably still not show. When I’m dead, I doubt there will be an autopsy. I can’t see that anyone would push for one, to prove at last that I am right that my right lung is full of fungus, and get the go ahead to get antifungal medication prescribed. I’ve done my best, and that’s all folks, it seems, soon. Why should I care if there is an autopsy anyway. I do care. I may speak to a mental health worker to ask how I can ensure my body will be examined for a fungal lung infection on my right side, and it feels like it has spread from there. Because I want them to have proof that I’m not delusional.

 

[Light Housework]

Off to the clinic in a few minutes.

 

[Light Housework]

Went to the clinic, and while the nurse was talking with me, my symptoms abated, and as soon as she left the room, they returned. So as far as she could tell, I don’t have a problem, but she called the CT scan people for me, and they said they will call me in about a month. Sure sure I say, at this point. Right now my right lung still feels plagued, but it’s not anywhere near at its worst. It was pretty bad about three hours ago, but I’m trying to enjoy life anyway. I want to live. I want to paint, write, and be proud of myself, and others too. Maybe I’ll still be able to enjoy life a year from now. I have my doubts at this rate, but I’m trying to be optimistic right now, that I don’t feel completely bad. I’m more or less able to enjoy being alive right now, and hope to go for my usual walk later when the sun weakens. Not my usual walk but probably my usual route. Every walk is different in its own way.

 

[Light Housework]

I can’t explain it, but I feel fine right now. I’m getting around to writing up some Morrissey sticky notes and go for a walk, though I’m not feeling aggressive today. People will have to give me a sign that I should bother offering them a note.

 

[Light Housework]

I guess I'll go for a walk in about an hour.