*Morrissey makes a humble entrance. The crowd goes WILD. After Morrissey is seated, the crowd delays the show a half minute with extra cheers and adulation. The "Morrissey" football chant is done. Morrissey calls the audience his family and mockingly wipes a tear from his face.*

Nice to meet you.

MORRISSEY: "Thank you. Very nice to meet you. You smoked me out".

Yeah, I found you. How'd you hear about us wanting you?

First I heard the gossip that you were mentioning me, then I switched on and I saw this picture and thought, "Oh, God."

You didn't like that old picture?

People said "If he wants you, he gets you."

Yeah. I'm a big fan of Dido... I've always liked you, and I said it's about TIME we had Morrissey on... And we've...

*loud cheers*

What is it... I don't know... What do you think... is it your lyrics or your voice? What is it?

Uh... Neither. Neither. It's just the way I look. No it's...

It's the jaw.

No really, it's both. It's both. I think people like the way I sing, really.

It sounds great.
 
*loud cheers*

Well, I would say... your voice is lovely, and your lyrics are sometimes disturbing.

Well...

...or sad.

Well, you know, LIFE is disturbing.

Is it?

Yes.

See my life is just a charming... you know...

No... we don't believe that. We don't believe that.

I never get depressed. I just sit around and...

We definitely don't believe that.

How would you describe yourself?

I think I'm a very positive person. I think that I am, definitely.

*crowd noise*

Somebody laughed. And I'm also... would you believe... I'm actually very HAPPY.

You're a happy guy?

*loud cheers*

Good. Where do the lyrics come from?

Well, I'm also very sincere, and very realistic... so I write about life the way it really is.

I like the lyric in "Suedehead": "I'm so very sickened, I'm so sickened now."

Yes.

*crowd laughs*

Well, It's just a general comment. I think we all feel that way, most of the time.

Where did that lyric come from? Is there a story behind that?

Not really, it's just a general observation of life and the arts... and, you know, it's very very difficult to see quality in... (*Morrissey gestures to Craig and mouths something to the camera*)

So you're watching other musicians and then you get sick...

I wasn't finished.

You're watching other people...

Yes, Yes, Yes. I mean... well obviously we all know that music television is dreadful.

*loud cheers*

And we also know that all executives in the music industry in America should be... (*Morrissey imitates a firing squad complete with sound effects*)

*crowd ERUPTS in cheers*

And we know that things like "American Idol"... dear, God. (*Morrissey makes exasperated gesture*)

*loud cheers*

Bad... You don't like that...

I think it's really shocking. I think it's really destroying music.

*loud cheers*

Because... If I can say why. What happens is, the record companies... they shift away from real artists and they just get these young teenagers who WON'T ask for money, who WON'T ask for a contract... they're just happy to do anything... and assume that they're idols because they're on the television. So, this is what the record companies do.

So, you of course haven't sold-out like alot of these people, but you've made good money over the years, haven't you?

Well, it's been a long time. It's been a long time. And I have a really strong audience.

*loud cheers*

They were camping out.

They have really strong vocal chords.

*loud cheers*

So... you split your time between London and Los Angeles?

Between Los Angeles and Ireland.

Isn't L.A. too sunny for Morrissey?

No, no... no, no, no. I mean, I just live about five streets away from here so this is quite interesting, because you were searching for me...

I wasn't personally...

...and I was just around the corner.

Someone told me where your house is 'cause it's a famous house... and i said I'm not going to knock... I have people that will contact him... but you have no record label so it was difficult.

That's right.

But, where's your home... don't give me the address, but... isn't is a famous... who lived there?

Yes, it was built by Clark Gable. His specifications, not BY HIM.

Right. Do you like the old history of Hollywood?

Yes, yes. He built it for his wife. And people like... ummm... well, lot's of famous people have lived there.

So it's got a nice vibe in there.

It has a beautiful Spanishy-vibe.

Yeah. So what do you do in your house? You sit around... walk me through a typical Saturday with Morrissey.

Well, that's all I do, I just sit around.

You get up in the morning. You go down to Crunch... to the gym? You go to the gym?

No, no, no.

I'm saying you do alot of curls, Morrissey.

Well... you've noticed... you've noticed. No, I just stay in bed all day and I watch television, and I... you know... that's ALL I do.

What do you like to watch on the telly?

Nothing.

Are you one of these guys who just flicks channels?

I'm a prime surfer. Yes, yes. And I hate the commercials. And I think there's too many commercials.

It's all about making money, isn't it?

All. Because, surely they don't need to have that many. Surely, companies have MADE enough money on commercials in the past... and they have to keep on...

Greed. They're all greedy, man.

Can they not stop for awhile?

What I would like them to do is just put out good... you know how you keep putting out good songs? It's always a nice song? Right? (*loud cheers*) You're not greedy. You've been doing this for how many years? Since the mid-eighties, early eighties?

Since the late forties.

Since the late forties. And you've never done an American talk show as far as sitting down and chatting.

Well, no.

We're just chatting right now, Morrissey.

We are? Are the cameras switched on?

Yeah. (*Morrissey acts surprised*) You're a natural. We should go out... and I know where you hang out... we should go have a beer sometime.

Well... I'm...

Do you like the beer?

I'm available.

*loud cheers*

You have a new album out? Or new songs?

No, I'm touring at the moment. I'm in the middle of a tour... and it's going INCREDIBLY well.

*loud cheers*

Tomorrow you're at the Arrowhead Pond; Saturday, Berkley at the Greek Theatre; then Sunday, San Diego State University. Is the song you're singing tonight... is that relatively new?

Yes, it's very very new.

What's that called?

It's called "The First Of The Gang To Die".

*loud cheers*

And then tomorrow you're going to sing... I guess a classic.

Well... I think so.

"Everyday Is LIke Sunday". "Come, armageddon. Come armageddon, NOW".

Yeah... WELL... yes.

Something like that.

NEARLY. (*Morrissey looks at the audience, points to Craig and chuckles*)

I listen to different people. I listen to alot of jazz now, so I don't listen to enough of the...

Oh, you should stop that.

You don't like the jazz?

(*Morrissey shakes his head*) It's going nowhere.

So when we come back, ladies and gentlemen... Morrissey will sing.

*End of interview. As the show's theme is cued, the cheering audience rises to it's feet. Morrissey mockingly wipes the sweat from his forehead.*