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The Artist Formally Known as "Mud"

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In My Tribe

October 14, 2001

By ETHAN WATTERS

It may be true that 'never marrieds' are
saving themselves
for something better. They may also be saving the institution of
marriage while they're at it.
You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and 39, single, a
college-educated city dweller. If so, you may have also
had the unpleasant experience of discovering that you have been
identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no
less) as one of the fastest-growing groups in America -- the ''never
marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number
of never-marrieds has more than doubled, apparently pushing back the
median age of marriage to the oldest
it has been in our country's history -- about 25 years for women and 27
for men. As if the connotation of ''never married'' weren't negative
enough, the vilification of our group has been swift and shrill. These
statistics prove a ''titanic loss of family values,'' according to The
Washington Times.
An article in Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women were
''denying themselves and society the benefits of
marriage'' and in the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex and the
City' promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage
conducted at Rutger University, researchers say the ''social glue'' of
the family is at stake, adding ominously that
''crime rates . . . are highly correlated with a large percentage of
unmarried young males.''
Although I never planned it, I can tell you how I became a
never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to San Francisco for what I
assumed was a brief transition period between college and marriage. The
problem was, I
wasn't just looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the language of
the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate
searching.'' Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to 29, I, too,
agree with the statement ''When you marry, you
want your spouse to be your soul mate first and foremost.'' This
über-romantic view is something new. In a 1965
survey, fully three out of four college women said they'd marry a man
they didn't love if he fit their criteria
in every other way. I discovered along with my friends that finding
that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came
and went, as did jobs and apartments. The constant in my life -- by
default, not by plan -- became a loose group
of friends. After a few years, that group's membership and routines
began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at
a neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, moved one another's
furniture, painted one another's
apartments, cheered one another on at sporting events and open-mike
nights. One day I discovered that the
transition period I thought I was living wasn't a transition period at
all.

Something real and important had grown there. I belonged to an urban
tribe.
I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here: this is a tight group,
with unspoken roles and hierarchies, whose
members think of each other as ''us'' and the rest of the world as
''them.'' This bond is clearest in
times of trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent terrorist strikes),
my instinct to huddle with and
protect my group is no different from what I'd feel for my family.
Once I identified this in my own life, I began to see tribes everywhere
I looked: a house of ex-sorority women in
Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee players in Boston and groups of
musicians in Austin, Tex.
Cities, I've come to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where fragile
individuals with arrested development mope around self-indulgently
searching for true love.
There are rich landscapes filled with urban tribes. So what does it mean
that we've quietly added
the tribe years as a developmental stage to adulthood? Because our
friends in the tribe hold us responsible for
our actions, I doubt it will mean a wild swing toward promiscuity or
crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss
of ''family values.'' It is a fresh statement of them. It is true,
though, that marriage and the tribe are at
odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully tell you, loyalty to the
tribe can wreak havoc on romantic relationships. Not surprisingly,
marriage usually signals the beginning of the end of tribal membership.
From inside the group, marriage can seem like a risky gambit. When
members of our tribe choose to get married,
the rest of us talk about them with grave concern, as if they've joined
a religion that requires them to live in a
guarded compound.
But we also know that the urban tribe can't exist forever. Those of us
who have entered our mid-30's find ourselves
feeling vaguely as if we're living in the latter episodes of
''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,'' as if the plot lines of our lives have
begun to wear thin. So, although tribe membership may delay marriage,
that is where most of us are still heading. And it turns out there may
be some good news when we get there. Divorce rates have leveled off. Tim
Heaton, a sociologist at Brigham Young University, says he believes he
knows why. In a paper to be published next year, he argues that it is
because people are getting married later. Could it be that we who have
been biding our
time in happy tribes are now actually grown up enough to understand what
we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- we ''never marrieds'' may
end up revitalizing the very institution we've supposedly been
undermining. And there's another dynamic worth considering. Those of us
who find it so hard to leave our tribes will not choose
marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable next step in our lives,
the way middle-class high-school kids choose
college. When we go to the altar, we will be sacrificing something
precious. In that sacrifice, we may begin to
learn to treat our marriages with the reverence they need to survive.

Ethan Watters is a writer living in San Francisco
 
I don't respect your views

Dude you are a wannabe intellectual. Your work is stupid. You need to do more research.
 

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